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_{[Oh. Oh, no. Oh, honey.]

[She bites her lip, defaulting to just... rubbing his shoulder.]

[Not at all unlike the way she had when he'd first come home after losing France, actually.]

[The comparison isn't lost on her, and it does absolutely zilch to ease the new tightness in her chest.]

[It's not that she even remotely expected Envy to be... available, in any sense of the word. This very subject being a pretty obvious reason why. Envy and France's unconventional partnership had been a big deal. Even to the HUMANS in the house, it was damn obvious that Homunculi and committed, genuine relationships were a very NEW phenomenon. And losing a significant other of several years will effectively put ANYBODY in the zone of no romance for awhile.]

[But hearing... well, this...]

[It's a sock in the gut, a little.]

[But she doesn't say a fucking word. Not about that, not even with today nagging at her thoughts. Because dammit, she knew it was never gonna go anywhere in the first place! This new information didn't change anything.]

[So she takes a steadying breath and squeezes his shoulder.]}

No. No, it's not.

That's not what it is at all.

You guys were inseparable for years. The whole time he was here! And that was-- that was great.

But things... things don't always last, and it didn't, and it wasn't anybody's fault. Like... it's been almost a year. If you'd... I dunno, latched onto somebody nine days after he left, then... well, I think we'd all be a little worried about you cuz... that's not healthy, but it's been nine months.

Loss isn't a crime you need to punish yourself for by never loving anybody else ever again.

And... and I know France wouldn't think so, either.

[He keeps his head down through most of her talk, but he's listening just as closely as he had when she'd told him the story about the constellations. His fingers grip tightly just above his elbows, her hand rubbing his shoulder both calming him and twisting the metaphorical knife in deeper.]

[The homunculus Envy falling in love and having that feeling returned once had been a miracle. Twice?]

[He can't even pretend to believe in those kinds of odds.]

[What she's saying makes sense, but at the same time...]

[He finally turns his head to look at her, even though the only light to see by is the streetlamps and the farther glow of the city proper. When he speaks, his voice is small.]

I know.

What if he comes back? What if he thought I just...replaced him?

[What if in a way he did become his father, in the end? He lets out a huff of breath that's trying to be a deflecting laugh.]

'Course, I'm getting ahead of myself there. I'm not sure that this'd even go anywhere.

[He stops short and clenches his jaw again, because that's getting too close for comfort.]

He wouldn't think that.

_{[Those words come quickly-- and for a second she actually wonders if they're true or not. After all, she hadn't known France too well. But... she can't help but think that he wouldn't be the type to be bitter or resentful about it.]}

... I mean.

I'm not-- ... I didn't know him as well as you did. Obviously.

But I think... I think he'd want you to be happy.

_{[When he turns to look at her, her eyes are wide in the dark. But she manages a crooked, encouraging smile for him. IT HURTS, but this is BE A GOOD FRIEND time. Not ACT LIKE A CREEPY DESPERATE BITCH time.]}

If there's one thing I do know plenty well... it's that sitting and feeling guilty for having emotions like a normal human being forever instead of telling people how you feel sure isn't gonna make things any better.

Believe me.

I've been there.

_{[I'm there RIGHT NOW.]}

Edited 2016-01-28 06:54 (UTC)

[He swallows again, part in a desperate bid to regain some control over his expression, and part because her face is closer than it was before and he saw those widened eyes in the dim light. But he manages something halfway resembling a softer version of his normal expression, even if it's weaker than it could be. He's still not actually OKAY, but he's trying to show her that she's helping.]

Ha, you make having emotions like a normal human being sound easy. They've never been much of my strong suit, and they never make any sense.

But...I guess maybe I can believe you.

You haven't really ever steered me wrong.

[Except, of course for the backflips she's making his stomach do.]

Oh, don't get me wrong... never meant to imply that they were easy.

_{[She laughs, and while it's a LITTLE forced, it's a little genuine, too. Because there is genuinely something kind of funny about this situation. Even if it's mostly irony.]

[She could leave it there, of course, but... well, NOT TONIGHT SHE CAN'T. So she goes on talking. And even if there's a bittersweet sting there, she doesn't have to do a whole lot of pretending. The more the words come out, the more they're coming from the heart, and the easier it is to shove that silly crush to the back of the line of priorities, where it belongs.]}

But seriously, man.

I have had-- god, I have had so many dumb crushes that never went anywhere. Most of those people have been gone for... shit. Years and years at this point.

Maybe if I'd put my big kid pants on and said something about 'em, they would've... I dunno.

Anyway.

You're not alone, is what I'm saying.

And...

_{[She trails off there for a moment, taking her hand off of Envy's shoulder to rub the back of her neck.]}

... If there's one piece of advice you should follow from me tonight, it's... don't do what I keep doing. Because nobody stays here forever, and you don't wanna wind up regretting never letting yourself get close to someone while you could.

[There are so many things he wants to say to all of that, so many that for once tonight, nothing manages to actually come out of his mouth. It's you wars with But you wouldn't, why would you? He understands what she's saying entirely too well; maybe not as far as crushes go, but he's had a lot of people leave before he could tell them things he'd wanted to or with things left undone because one or the other of them had put it off and off until it was too late.]

[But this? What if he regrets telling her about this more than he would if he just let things go on as they have been? He likes things as they have been.]

[After a moment, he settles on one thing at least, and that's leaning to nudge her shoulder with his. Which, he realizes too late, puts them even closer to each other.]

Well...heh, I'm glad if I'm not alone, it's with you.

[....]

[damn it.]

Edited 2016-01-28 08:06 (UTC)

_{[god dammit envy that is literally how she's looked at every crush she's had for the last five years and LOOK WHERE IT'S GOTTEN HER she feels u man]

[She can feel the warmth of his body when he leans over to nudge her. He's the only other heat source on this rooftop. She wants to be closer. So she reaches out, tentatively at first before deciding FUCK IT and just going for it, to wrap an arm around his shoulders, laughing under her breath.]}

... We're hopeless, aren't we?

[He chuckles as she wraps her arm around him, even if it feels like his heart stutters over itself with her so close after everything else that's happened since she came up to join him on the roof. Hell, everything that's happened since the night she got home. This is bad, he should move, but he doesn't want to.]

There's no helping us at all.

[He turns his head as though he's going to toss his hair, as though everything's normal and they're just joking around, except the way he does bonks his forehead into hers and she's right there--]

_{[She'd turned her head at the same time, maybe just to be able to look him in the eye while she talked to him, or maybe just an unconscious motion, but before she even REALIZES it, their noses are brushing and]

[oh god she kissed him]

[she kissed him right on the mouth]

[okay it wasn't exactly right on the mouth, it was too fast and borderline-accidental (she genuinely hadn't done it on purpose-- but with the subject matter of their conversation, and the emotions running in a steady undercurrent through her head, it was like her very skin had sensed the proximity of another person and just launched into a long-buried bit of muscle memory) to be that conveniently-accurate, it was more like kind of the upper-right of his mouth, but it sure happened and IMMEDIATELY she snaps back, straightening up and drawing away.]}

--fuck-- I'm sorry, I didn't mean--

[she kissed him right on the mouth]

[It feels like there's a dry spot in the back of his throat and his breath had definitely hitched that time, and he knows his eyes are wide with surprise as she pulls away. He feels frozen in place as she apologizes.]

[Except she was right a minute ago, she was completely right and he doesn't know if he can stand not telling her anymore, but he doesn't know how to actually put any of that into words that won't make him sound like an idiot. He's done entirely too much of sounding like an idiot tonight already.]

[So instead, he leans forward and kisses her back. It's a careful one; as much as he wants to, he also doesn't want to scare her off now because he's still not completely sure he's not mistaken. But her lips are warm against his and his heart is hammering, and hell if he hasn't wanted to do this since Scarlet and her mistletoe.]

_{[It's worth noting that he's a whole hell of a lot more confident in her rightness here than SHE is, but in the big scheme of things, it didn't really matter-- because now he was kissing her.]

[And she's kissing back.]

[Not hard or fiercely-- just... baffledly? Was baffledly kissing a thing? It was now.]

[But after a second or two, she draws back again. Not as abruptly this time, and she looks more concerned than alarmed.]

[She really hadn't thought he was talking about her.]

[...HAD he been talking about her?]}

... Envy, I...

You're not just doing that 'cause I... right?

[He shakes his head, the nerves returning to twist his stomach as soon as they're no longer kissing and the impulsive move catches up to his brain. Did he completely misjudge this and fuck it up? HE REALLY HOPES NOT.]

No, it wasn't...I meant you, before. You're the one I want to be with, if you'd...want to.

[He makes a hopeless gesture with his hands. Feelings are so difficult, why this.]

I was trying not to say anything, before, but...hah, well, you made some good points.

Edited (THIS IS THE LAST TIME I EDIT IT) 2016-01-28 17:43 (UTC)

_{[For a second, Heather just stares at him.]

[It's not accusing, or in revulsion, or anything like that-- so that's at least one thing he doesn't have to worry about. No, it's the expression of someone whose brain is sprinting madly to try and catch up with what's going on.]

[Because boy howdy there is a LOT going on here.]

[Five seconds ago, she'd been speaking with the wisdom of a worldworn young adult who'd been here for five years, seen a hell of a lot even before that, and could safely set aside her own feelings for the sake of making sure one of her best friends didn't twist himself into emotional pretzels. None of it had been false or a lie, it had been real and true and the same kind of advice she'd have given anybody she cared about in a situation like this.]

[But right now whatever side of her had been giving that insight apparently went off into its room and shut the door, because all that's left is the panicky part that has no idea what to do now that she herself is part of whatever weird, wild equation this conversation has turned into.]

[Finally, she manages to speak up. Her voice is very small.]}

... Me?

[Honestly, she's not really alone in that frantic catching up, because he's not really sure what to do with himself now either. He's had exactly one experience with this kind of thing, and it wasn't anything like this. And after all that effort trying to keep it secret, it's out there and all that focus has evaporated right away now that it's not longer needed.]

[The fact that she doesn't look like he's ruined anything is more of a relief than he'd like to admit.]

[The guilt and heartache from just a short while earlier is still there even, muddling him up further, but...it's easier to push down, now. So he nods, and ordinarily he'd probably have wound up leaving it at that because what DOES he even say, but today? Today, the words are coming anyway, and every one of them is true.]

Yeah...yeah, you.

You're amazing--you're really important. I mean, you have been for years and I don't know when that changed into something else but it did. And...I know what kind of feeling this is because I've felt it before.

[Here, he trips up again and manages to pause and get some semblance of control, enough not to just keep rambling on forever. And now his voice gets smaller, a mix of worried and hopeful. Because she'd kissed him back.]

Do you...?

I-- yeah. Of course. I-I kissed you first, didn't I?

_{[Whether or not that had been a mistake, she has no idea at this point.]

[On one hand, the years' worth of accumulated urges to bottle things up are yelling the same things they always have-- that confessing would somehow ruin things, that she was for all sakes and purposes damaged goods and that placing herself firmly in the friendzone was the kindest thing to do to anybody she liked in the long run, because who has time for all the baggage she lugs around? Hell, not even she has time for it!]

[But on the other...]

[She'd just told him a slightly less Disney-princessy version of "Follow your heart", and meant it, and how fucked-up would it be to turn right around and spit on those very words just because he revealed that it was her he'd been talking about? How hurtful?]

[And even past that... the arguments her guilty conscience usually makes-- that she's too messed-up to make a remotely healthy partner, that no one with genuinely good intentions would probably ever be interested in the first place-- are falling apart right in front of her upon scrutiny.]

[Envy's not like the other people she's always found herself with her silly teenage puppy-crushes on (not counting Lust, of course... that's a whole 'nother can of worms right there). Not that they hadn't had their own demons to fight or anything, but they'd all been... somehow purer. Good people with good hearts and good intentions who would do just fucking fine in life, she knew it, who honestly deserved a relationship where they wouldn't have to deal with usually-hidden trust issues or bandage self-inflicted wounds or wake up to someone literally fighting an invisible enemy in bed next to them at ass o'clock in the morning.]

[But Envy...]

[She can't say any of that about him, can she.]

[We have that in common.]}

--I've...

I've liked you like that for awhile. But it's-- ... I was never gonna say anything about it. You-- you'd just lost somebody, and... and you saw how I wound up imploding things with Lust without even breathing a word about how I actually felt, and-- and-- I get stupid crushes all the time, I didn't wanna--

... I didn't wanna make things weird.

And plus, there's... _{[She pauses to swallow. She doesn't want to bring up France again. Not after she'd just delivered an entire screed about how moving on from the loss and loving someone else wasn't a betrayal of the country's memory at all. But she can't help it. There is no longer any brain to mouth filter. They've passed that point.]}

France was-- ... France was this fucking Adonis. _{[Literally the EMBODIMENT of romance, people call Paris the City of Love for crying out loud.]} You had probably th-- the coolest, hottest boyfriend ever and--

--and I'm just a stupid kid who can't get her shit together.

_{[I THREW YOUR MOM OFF A CLIFF.]}

[Under everything else, the powerful emotions and the panic, there's a nervous, warm fluttering in his chest, and he swallows hard. Yes, she'd kissed him first, but he hadn't been entirely certain that it wasn't an accident and some things he needs to hear said before they can really sink in and not be second-guessed in circles forever. She likes him, she's LIKED him. He hasn't doubted the strength of their friendship in a good long while, not since those murky weeks after his mother had shown up over the weekend, but that she'd want him in her life in this way too is something new.]

[He learned a lot about romance from France, but he's always felt out of his depth in it, like he was desperately making it up as he went along. He suspects he always will. France had been willing to be patient, to love him anyway even through emotional instability and the solid year and a half where Envy would barely even embrace him, but he hadn't thought that anyone else would be. He knows he's not exactly an ideal partner.]

[When she brings France up, he feels his throat constrict oddly, and he knows he has to say something then.]

Hey, hey--Heather, breathe...

[He might not be one to talk, he's not much better off than she is now that the last five seconds and everything SHE'S saying are really catching up with him. This is actually happening. Tentatively, he reaches one hand up to squeeze lightly at her shoulder, and maybe it's a bad idea to go initiating more touching right now but aren't bad ideas his thing?]

If that's what you are, I think--even then, we're still on the same page, aren't we? You're talking to the poster monster of 'can't get his shit together', I don't know how France ever put up with me all that time.

[He gives her a crooked little grin, but his voice is insistent, wanting her to believe that he's not just teasing her about this. He means every word that rambles out of his mouth because he KNOWS, intimately, how important this kind of thing can be.]

[You're not less, you're not the same but you're just as good.]

And I don't--I don't want another France. I don't have all these feelings because I want a replacement, I didn't think I'd ever want anyone else ever again until I realized about...about this. They're for you.

And...maybe it's just me, but I don't think you're a stupid kid.

_{[She hadn't even noticed how badly she'd been running out of breath until he points it out himself, and she shuts up long enough to catch it, letting him talk.]

[The tables have turned, a little; now HE'S the one making sense and SHE'S the one trying to muddle through years of negative, illogical reasoning. He's right, is the thing. They're both messed-up. And he's already seen her closer to her worst than almost anybody else has.]

[That last bit gets a bit of a smile and a half-laugh.]}

Well-- thanks, I guess, heh...

_{[But then she sobers up again, folding her hands in her lap and looking back at him with a creased brow.]}

So... what do we do now?

[After a moment of fierce internal debate, he decides that he wants to leave his hand on her shoulder, even after what he said seems to have helped. Besides, they're not quite out of the woods yet.]

[He lets out a breath at the question, watching the little puff of condensation form and dissipate in front of him. It seems like it's gotten a colder out here since they've been talking, but he's not paying it any mind. Right now, there's something that completely trumps his dislike of freezing weather.]

I'm...not sure. We both feel the same, so...we should be together, shouldn't we?

I'd like that.

Edited 2016-01-29 06:16 (UTC)

Me too.

_{[That reply leaps out fast.]

[Because she would. She'd like it a lot.]

[As much as her growing homesickness over the past few months had genuinely been for the house and everyone in it, she'd been aware all along that there had been more to the crushing loneliness she'd felt every night in her sad little tent or tiny hotel room than just that.]

[It hadn't been pining-- Heather Mason didn't pine.]

[So much of her life, both this one and the last, had been solitary and she'd come to accept that. She didn't need someone else there-- she'd always gotten by and she always would. It wasn't always fun, but she could do it, no sweat. ... But sometimes, more often lately than ever before, and especially when she was curled up in that cold sleeping bag on hard, frozen earth, she really, really wanted there to be someone else next to her. Someone to just burrow against when she was tired and miserable.]

[And for months now it had been Envy-- the one who she'd made more late-night phonecalls to in the past year than anyone else-- that her thoughts turned to in those moments.]

[After a moment of deep, obvious thought, she licks her lips apprehensively and slowly speaks.]}

... There's... there's no way we can see what's coming in this place.

You might disappear tomorrow, or me.

I mean... that's what's always kept me from-- from doing this with anyone else, from... even admitting it, but... you're different, and...

_{[Another brief pause, because her throat is tightening, but then she tentatively lifts her hand again. This time, it's Envy's chest she lays it on, even though her gaze has fallen down to the rooftop they're sitting on again. The words that come out of her mouth next are ones that would never, ever over her dead body escape her throat on any other night but this one where all the barriers are gone.]}

... I don't wanna be alone anymore.

[The speed of her response isn't surprising, not after everything else. But it still sends warmth leaping up in his chest somewhere, in a way that even a few months ago he hadn't thought he'd feel for anyone again. Not unless France returned. But there it is, all the same, and the more she talks the tighter his own throat becomes.]

[He nods along to the mention that one or the other of them might disappear at any moment. They've both been here so long that they know it could happen, that it probably WILL happen. Nobody has ever been safe forever.]

[He thinks of the scrapbook, tucked safely on a shelf in his room. Of all the trinkets and gifts he's gotten from people long gone now. It hurts to lose them, more than anything, and he's terrified of what might happen if he has to go through anything like when France left again...but he can't regret letting them in. If the two of them can be happy for even a little while...even if they vanish, the other will have that much to remember.]

[His eyes widen slightly at her admission, and after a moment's hesitation he brings his own free hand up to place it over hers on his chest, gripping it and leaning closer in towards her because he doesn't feel like they're close enough.]

You won't be. As long as I'm here, you won't be alone.

And I'd rather...even if one of us disappears, I don't--I don't want to have wasted any time.

_{[She splays her fingers when he lays his hand over them, looking back up to meet his eyes. Her own are still a little unsure-looking, still under furrowed brows... but there's something determined there, too.]

[This is happening. She hadn't meant it to, but by god, it is, and they just kind of have to roll with it.]}

Me either.

I'm sick of wasting time.

_{[And, to be honest, sick of being a hypocrite.]}

We-- ... in this place, you gotta appreciate what you've got. And-- and I've got you. For how long, I don't know, but-- fuck. We can cross that bridge when one of us comes to it, can't we?!

_{[She's trying to convince herself even more than she's trying to convince him, but it's actually kind of working. Her voice goes up in volume, bouncing off the sides of the neighbors' houses.]}

If one of us goes, I wanna... I wanna be able to say FUCK IT, we had fun while it lasted!

[Her enthusiasm is contagious, and the volume of his voice goes up along with hers. The neighbors will probably be confused, but he doesn't care. They can just deal with it.]

That's right you've got me. We've got each other now, so FUCK the future, and disappearances too!

[This is the kind of no filters that's a whole lot easier to deal with.]

FUCK IT!

_{[This is the kind of no filters that they're both a lot better at.]

[Heather doesn't even bother to come up with another rambly response-- instead she just promptly follows his example and yells, even louder--]}

FUCK IT!

_{[Oh man that felt great.]

[Encouraged by the sound of her own voice in the still night, she props herself up higher on her hands, bringing her feet under her. And HOLLERS AT THE EMPTY STREET.]}

FUCK-IT-FUCK-IT-FUCK-IT!!

[When she starts outright chanting, Envy joins right in. It DOES feel good.]

[This day has been long and way too emotionally intense, and screaming obscenities into quiet wintery suburbia is exactly the kind of thing they need.]

FUCK-IT-FUCK-IT-FUCK-IT!

[Down the street, a Houndour hears the noise and decides that HE wants to join in too, with a loud howl. Within minutes, literally every canine within earshot has joined in the chorus of howls and barks.]

_{[There's something distinctly juvenile about what they're doing, but goddamn if it isn't the perfect cure for the anxious tightness that's been in her chest ever since she opened that trapdoor-- even after they'd both made their confessions.]

[When the cacophony of yapping starts up from up and down the street, she cuts off mid-fuckit with a slightly startled look... but then starts to giggle.]

[And once she starts, she can't stop.]

[Soon she's just straight-up laughing, doubling over slightly in her seat, breath pluming visibly in front of her.]}

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