exeggutorhead | IC Inbox

[Meanwhile,]

[Scar emerges from his room on those improbably light feet he has to peer into the living room, where he suspects he will find...]

Envy.

[...A troll at work.]

[Envy looks up from snickering and rapidly typing his latest response to the newest human in town. He's lying on his back on the couch with his legs over the arm. One draped loosely all the way over, the other bent at the knee with his foot planted on the fabric.]

Yeah? What?

[He doesn't know.]

[Scar's expression is unchanging.]

If you're going to accost a recent human, at least be more creative than suggesting they may turn into a raisin.

Edited 2024-07-03 06:47 (UTC)

[Envy's expression is not unchanging.]

[The first, for a mere fraction of a moment as Scar begins: CAUGHT]

[He also reflexively hits the Send button before Scar might be able to stop him.]

[Second, as he processes the rest of what the man says: INDIGNATION.]

[Hey!!]

I could be more creative if I wanted to be!

[Third: are we all absolutely sure he's 400 years old]

Also I'm not accosting, I was helpful about the water thing already.

[He did his good deed and now he gets to say whatever he wants that's how this works god Scar.]

Technically I'm still being very helpful if I'm getting them to drink it faster.

[Scar's phone buzzes, and normally he would never check it while talking to someone, but the someone is Envy, and he's turned on notifications for the anonymous post. Just in case.]

[He frowns down at the screen.]

[A moment passes.]

Lon.

[Delivered with the same, unchanging frown. Scar thinks this is very funny, even though nothing on his face indicates such.]

[TYPO ALERT]

[Envy doesn't know Scar quite well enough to have figured out when he thinks something is funny. So he rolls his eyes.]

Longer. I wasn't finished typing yet.

One generally completes the thought prior to sending the message.

[The delivery doesn't really do anything to clarify if he thinks this is funny or not.]

Well I didn't know if you were gonna come confiscate my 'Gear or something, fun police.

[He twirls his free hand flippantly, since it's hard to shrug lying down.]

[Yup.]

[That's him.]

[License and registration, please.]

[The face Scar makes at that seems to say something along the lines of, Do you know who you're speaking to? But he doesn't comment on it. Not explicitly. But also DO you know??? who you're speaking to????? The man whose resume is a front page photo of a flat plot of land that used to be occupied by an entire city?]

And be accused a third time of assaulting someone in this house?

[HARD PASS.]

It's clearly a distressed child. Leave them be.

[If Scar's gonna accuse him of being derivative, Envy's gonna accuse him of being a cop!]

I dunno, I think you could probably manage to not break my wrist in the process.

[He's pretty casual about it, there's no actual teeth behind the mention like there might have been in Ye Olden Days. Scar's been exonerated!]

How do you know it's a kid?

I think it's one of those people who used to be horses and don't know how to have fingers.

Edited 2024-07-13 03:54 (UTC)

[Scar stares at Envy in silence for a solid five seconds.]

Do horses always generally not grasp the concept of--

[He checks his phone again, and it's uncertain if he's forgotten the subject matter, or if he's being Difficult.]

--Drinking Water?

[Envy stares back, unflinching.]

Do children always generally not grasp the concept of Drinking Water?

[He does a Voice when he gets to the 'drinking water' part.]

Hmm. Maybe a car, then. I've met someone who was a car before.

[Another five seconds of complete silence, and an increasingly disbelieving look on his face. His eyes narrow.]

How many children have you known, Envy?

[Envy actually stops to think. He doesn't start literally counting on his fingers but they do start curling absently like he's doing it in his head.]

Known at least...more than ten kids. And also kids loved us when we were doing the circus! They thought I was cool.

And they knew about drinking water as much as a horse would.

[He's pretty sure, anyway! He actually doesn't know but he doesn't have to say that.]

[The disbelief is constantly evolving on Scar's face. Why would he care if kids think Envy is cool?]

A horse does not need to be reminded how to care for itself.

[Now it's Envy's turn to look disbelieving.]

Have you ever been near a horse? I remember when horses were the only option.

They definitely need to be reminded.

When would I have--

[Hold up.]

When would you have--

[...No shot.]

How old are you?

[It's such a shock that Scar momentarily forgets his irritation.]

[Envy...actually didn't realize that Scar didn't know about this! He blinks, clearly also derailed.]

Huh--oh. I thought you knew already.

Somewhere around four hundred.

[And then, almost offhandedly.]

I was the first.

[He assumes he doesn't need to say what he was the first of.]

[For a moment, it actually appears that Scar is meaningfully contemplating this information. Horses were still common, in rural Amestris. Only a few far-traveling merchants had ever owned cars, in Ishbal. It didn't need to be an excessively long time.]

[But four hundred years definitely qualifies as excessive. And he was with Dante? All that time? He never thought to...?]

[Scar's profoundly intimate understanding of one specific homunculus casts a hideously inaccurate bias on how things had been for all the others.]

And you entertain yourself tormenting distressed strangers on the network?

[The moment's break in Envy's incessant smirking for casual sincere information giving is officially over now that Scar's annoyed again!]

[He shifts his shoulders to kind of shrug and does the little flippant motion with his hand again.]

Hey, like I said! I was also being very helpful and trying to make the horse drink.

Tormenting's a pretty strong word for telling someone they'll turn into a raisin.

[Scar is deadpan.]

Lying to yourself that you've been helpful, and lying to a child you don't know. Consistent.

[And with that, he's turning to leave. WHATEVER.]

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