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[exeggutorhead]

"Hey, this is Envy. I'm busy or not around, so say whatever you want here and I might get back to you about it."

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[officerdown]

It is an act of legendary self restraint that Scar's fist does not meet the source of whatever has just announced itself over his shoulder. His gear ricochets between his hands before landing with a soft thud on the couch beside him, the trashy article he's clickbaited himself into still on glaring display. Scar scoffs, glancing between Envy and his gear with a stern frown that doesn't indicate anything is out of the ordinary.

With all the confidence of a man who is blissfully ignorant of just how specifically he was assembled by God's hands in flesh and blood and melodrama for one person and one person alone,

"No one is actually doing this."

Isn't that reassuring, Envy?

[exeggutorhead]

It's the universe's little equivalent exchange for Heather not caving Scar's skull in with a lamp the night he came in their window.

No one is actually...?

Envy stares a moment. Then begins crawling over the back of the couch in earnest, reaching for the 'gear. He'd only really seen the words 'booty hole' leap off the screen into his eyeballs because how could he possibly see anything else around them when they were right there? He needs to find out what Scar thinks people aren't actually doing.

Once he's snatched the 'Gear up off the couch, he doesn't climb all the way over to sit normally. Envy hasn't sat normally one single time in his entire long life. He just stays draped over the back, one leg hanging down and the other knee bent up under him, propping himself up with one arm. He's an accomplished single-thumb scroller by now, so he flips back up to the top of the article quickly.

Then turns to look at Scar.

Back at the article.

Back at Scar.

"...no one?"

Y'know. Just to make sure he heard that right.

[officerdown]

Scar stares in mild disapproval when Envy snatches up his 'gear, but it bleeds back into skeptical bafflement before long.

"Why would anybody--?"

The thought stumbles to a halt as he tries to put it to words. Scar gestures vaguely at the screen with a small shake of his head, as if all of the answers should be obvious in the text. It's crass. It's impersonal. It's...

You can't even make eye contact, Envy.

[exeggutorhead]

Envy is rarely lost for words.

His eyebrows have started rising, incredulous. He's learning some things about Scar in this moment, that's for sure! At least it's not Scar's real name this time!

He looks back to the article, scrolls back down. Skims.

"It's saying why in here."

He does not particularly want to explain this to Scar!! Several more terrible cutesy phrases flash before his eyes in between the extremely basic advice.

"...badly. How did you find this?"

[officerdown]

"Multiple noted examples which only serve to make it less appealing after the name has already evoked..." Scar struggles in the moment to find the word, still stricken with disbelief. Isn't it obvious?? Whatever this filth is!

The complete answer involves a rude manlet propositioning him for a threesome, but that part is unimportant. All that matters is:

"I followed links." All roads lead to twee intimacy advice, apparently.

[exeggutorhead]

"I'm not gonna argue about it being a stupid name."

Ah yes, links. Of course. Honestly, if it weren't for the way Scar was reacting, Envy would really assume he'd searched this out specifically.

The shock of this very surreal conversation is starting to wear off. Scar matter of factly saying the words 'I followed links' pushes it further into absurdity. The Smirk starts creeping in.

...Envy's gonna tell him. Nobody is around to tell him not to.

"But Scar. C'mon. Lots of people do this."

[officerdown]

Scar makes a face that could only suggest something along the lines of...

Nice try, Envy, you won't catch me making a fool of myself.

"Lots of people could subsist on flour and water alone, but do we?"

He could list a dozen things wrong with what this article is describing off the rip, but! He's showing great self control. Envy should be pleased, really.

[exeggutorhead]

Envy has literally no idea how much self control Scar is exercising right now.

He does recognize what that look means though! Does Scar...think he's making it up?

If he wasn't so used to Lust, he'd be more incredulous about the extremely dramatic phrasing, but. Well. He's used to Lust. It is, however still extremely funny. The smirk spreads.

"Wait, am I included in the we?"

[officerdown]

Scar's frown tightens as if he's performing a brief, but complex mental calculus for Envy's question.

"I'm not inclined to wish I knew."

Though...

He does, now.

[exeggutorhead]

He does now!!

Envy feels no pity. He goes back to scrolling through the article. God, but it really is awful.

Offhandedly, he adds, "I wasn't inclined to wish I knew your real name, so now we're even."

There! Now he doesn't have to deal with that quietly to himself anymore!

"Oh, I see why you looked at the table before."

1/?

[officerdown]

Scar doesn't even hear the comment about the table. The comment about the table does not exist. It is nebulous syllables floating impotently past his ears.

His face is one of skeptical confusion, pointed and gruff. The implication that Envy might know his name is on its own more than enough for the needle to slip off Scar's train of thought. The only place it's been written is kept safe and hidden among Lust's things. It isn't, nor has it ever been, something anyone in this house, or anywhere else, for that matter, should know. Deserves to know.

Envy is lying.

This is the very first thought Scar's brain fires off. It's a good thought. A reasonable thought, he presumes. Because the only time in his living memory it is ever so much as uttered is

[officerdown]

is

[officerdown]

Scar launches to his feet.

[officerdown]

He stares down at Envy, who has the gall to still be flicking through that depraved article on his phone as if he has said absolutely nothing of consequence.

For a moment longer, the crushing silence persists.

DONE

[officerdown]

"Not one word to her."

1/2

[exeggutorhead]

Envy had definitely expected SOME kind of reaction to that little news-drop but oh he really jumped up off the couch WOAH HEY NOW--

He's not entirely without self-preservation. He does very quickly retreat from his silly pose back over the couch in a swift motion, if only to get the piece of furniture between them. Just in case!

2/2

[exeggutorhead]

Although then he frowns, a little indignant. What do you take him for Scar?? God.

"I wasn't gonna. I didn't want to know."

[officerdown]

The wild intensity of Scar's eyes tracks Envy's scrambled trajectory over the back of the couch.

"And I'm certain it was so burdensome that you could not have simply kept it to yourself."

His tone barely changes, but the sarcasm is evident.

[exeggutorhead]

"You have no idea."

It's as deadpan a tone as Envy gets. Scar you don't understand the amount of psychic damage contained in that singular moment he's been so so strong to not tell anybody about it. Please don't pick him up off the ground by his hair like a turnip.

"Nobody else knows, by the way. Just me. You're welcome."

[officerdown]

"I have no idea," he barks, incredulous. "What a relief that I'm spared the judgement of an emotionally stunted, eavesdropping Amestrian."

HE PULLED THE BED AWAY FROM THE WALL AND EVERYTHING, ENVY.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THEIR SACRED AND PROFANE BOND, ENVY.

[exeggutorhead]

"Eavesdrop--hey! I was just trying to go to sleep next door!"

HE DOESN'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND YOUR SACRED AND PROFANE BOND THAT MUCH SCAR!!

[officerdown]

Envy gets glared at for a moment, two, three longer. Scar is flushed, with anger, with embarrassment, who could truly say? His jaw twitches.

"I don't care what you overhear. Don't speak a word of this."

A demand Scar has already made, but one he's more than willing to renew 90 seconds later.

[exeggutorhead]

"Like I said, I wasn't gonna. You're not the only person in the house with a name they don't use anymore."

Everyone except Henry, actually! Envy doesn't intend on blabbing about Heather's, though, he figures that his own secret human name is probably an obvious enough conclusion to reach.

[officerdown]

"No, of course you weren't going to say anything, why do that when you could lord it over me instead?"

God, better his than hers, if he had to choose, though. And he can't bring himself to be all that angry about Envy knowing, specifically because of the nature of how he learned it. What is he going to do? Apologize??

He won't be voicing that thought, though.

[exeggutorhead]

Hey!!

"If I was gonna lord it over you, I would be actually doing that and it would be so much more annoying."

He takes the art of being the worlds smarmiest little bastard man very seriously he spent a long time perfecting it!! It does not occur to him that what he's doing is still not in any way polite or graceful by any normal standards.

"You said not to tell anyone, and I said I wouldn't. I didn't know it was such a big deal, anyway."