exeggutorhead | IC Contact

[When she leans on him, he takes the cue and leans back, just a little. The contact makes it more obvious just how tensed up he is, even just in anticipation of maybe talking about this.]

[The weird irony of this doesn't escape him. He'd gone to Heather when Al first showed up, and now here they are again, with so many things changed. Both between the two of them and about the situation with his half-brother. This time Envy's not explosively angry, but that makes it harder to talk openly, too.]

I...don't know.

[Well, it's better than an outright no. His thumb rubs against the side of his hand, clenched in the sheets.]

_{[Yeah, it's a foot in the door, at least.]

[When he leans back, she reaches up to lay a hand on his arm. As tentative as their touches have gotten, she's still Heather, and she still does a whole lot of it.]}

That's fine. I won't make you if you'd rather not.

But, y'know. I'm here if you're up for it.

[He just nods at first, expression softening a little at the hand on his arm. Even if the touches are still more tentative than they used to be, they're also more comforting, too.]

Yeah. I know.

[And he's so grateful that she doesn't push about things like this unless she has to. It's why, after a little while of quiet, he finally does speak up again. In a mutter and staring hard at some spot on the floor, but he speaks up nonetheless.]

....I should be glad that he's gone.

_{[She's happy to let him sit in silence for a bit-- what he says when he speaks up, though, surprises her.]}

... So you're not?

_{[She honestly expected something more along the lines of 'I hate that everybody ELSE is all mopey over him being gone'.]}

[Envy's mouth tightens, and he still doesn't look at her.]

Yeah, surprise.

[His voice sounds almost monotone there for a second, but then it perks up. Perks up with frustration! He's not shouting or anything, but his voice raises a little. Not frustration aimed at her, but at the situation.]

I mean, I should be! I hate him!

[He doesn't sound entirely convincing about that part. He sets the 'Gear down on the bed so that he can roughly drag a hand back through his hair.]

When did this get so damn complicated?

_{[She remembers the day Al arrived in Johto very clearly-- he really was yelling then. So she's not even alarmed. There are Envy behaviors worthy of being alarmed over and nothing he's doing right now is one of them.]

[She stays leaned against him.]}

... Well, you've grown a lot.

_{[Probably more than Al did, actually. Envy had more ground to cover, after all.]}

You went from literally being ready to rip his head off with your bare hands to coexisting in the same space on a semi-constant basis.

It's hard to keep the exact same feelings towards someone after doing that-- for better OR worse.

_{[She's well aware that sometimes living with somebody does the OPPOSITE and turns neutral feelings into THAT SON OF A BITCH NEVER PUTS THE MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE IM GONNA MURDER HIM IN HIS SLEEP, too.]}

[In spite of all the negative things he's feeling right now...it's really nice, hearing her say that he's grown. She knows what he was like at the start of this, more than anyone else besides the ones who were there in Amestris.]

Yeah, well...

[He pauses again, struggling with what he wants to say.]

Why did he have to leave now, after things GOT complicated? Why couldn't he have back when I wouldn't have cared? I ought to hate him for that more than anything.

[He knows that nobody chooses when to leave, but...damn it.]

_{[Well, it's true! He really has!]

[The Envy who had scrambled for excuses for violently attacking a teenager after promising not to and getting caught is not the same Envy who had lived with that very same teenager and kept his aggression limited to snide remarks and maybe some shouting, with violence only when directly provoked.]

[Is there room for improvement? Sure, there always is. But it's still pretty fucking impressive.]

[She's quiet for a moment or two before speaking up, softly.]}

... I felt the same way when Claudia went, you know.

Both times.

Even after I tried to kill her.

[Envy turns his head to look back at her, finally, eyes widened with surprise.]

[They flick back down after a moment, but the hand that he had clenched in the sheets moves to seek hers. He doesn't hold her hand or twine their fingers together, but he does put his hand over hers as he mutters--]

It's such a stupid feeling, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

_{[She lets his hand rest on hers, and doesn't move to change the contact. His glance at her is met with a sympathetic half-smile before she turns her gaze to the window.]}

It's not that I wasn't angry. I was. I'm still angry.

... But it's kind of like what I said to you way back when. You know... when Al first showed up.

There's people who've done crappy things, people who you hate even though you know it might not totally be their fault... and then there's people who made those people.

And there's just some part of you that knows there's a big difference between the two.

_{[Now she turns her hand upright under his so that she can twine their fingers slightly.]}

I barely know anything about the situation between you and your brothers, so maybe I'm just projecting a little. It's not like Al ever told me specifics, either. But... it's kinda like that, isn't it?

[Envy's quiet as he listens, really listens the way he does with barely anyone else.]

[He doesn't pull away from her changing the contact, and while he doesn't fully shift his fingers in between hers, he does inch them in a little bit more, almost gripping at her fingertips.]

I know, it's just...what I still don't know is whether they were made into anything, or...

It's complicated. I don't even know where to start, I haven't known since he got here. I know all the reasons I hate them, but I don't know who to blame for them all. Or most.

[He swallows hard. This is edging into territory that he's afraid of, that involves admitting things that he's not entirely ready to.]

[That he's more like the Claudia here, for one.]

It was easier before.

Well, 'made'... they don't have to have been literally made into anything.

More like... how much did they cause? And how much of it, if you get right down to it, was caused by something bigger than them? Something that hurt you both?

I mean...

_{[She takes the initiative and squeezes his tentative fingers.]}

They're just kids, Envy.

With kids... with kids, it's never just because of them.

_{[She's only heard about Ed through hearing Al's stories secondhand because she's completely forgotten having like two conversations with Edward Elric four years ago when he spent a few months in Johto, but it was enough to find out that the older brother wasn't that much older.]

[If there's one thing Heather knows, it's that teenagers are kids. And in the case of Al and his brother, kids who were clearly in deep-ass water that probably should have been roped off.]}

Why do you hate them so much?

Is it really because of the whole thing they did with their mom?

[He's quiet again for a minute, trying to think of what to say. Because it's not like the reasons he'd hated them before truly apply anymore.]

I...they had everything I could never have, that's what it was before. Hah, I was envious. But now...that's not really true anymore. I have everything, here. I still hate what that bastard did, what they mean, but...that's him.

The thing with Sloth...she was like me. She didn't want the memories either, she just wanted to be her, and she hated them for making her. She was only four years old, it's...bad, when we're that new. It's too close, it all gets set off too easily, and our master made it worse. They made her remember, and she wanted them gone.

[His teeth grind.]

Ed wanted her gone, too. She wasn't who he wanted, so she was just a thing to get rid of. And I guess...Al didn't fight back until she was going to kill them, but even then it was only because he wanted her to be just like his mother. Ed showed up looking to kill her no matter what she did. It's easier to kill us than deal with us, that's how it always is. Hell, Wrath wasn't even in our group yet and his creator still tried to kill him the second she figured out what he was.

[He squeezes her fingers back, almost painfully without meaning to. His other fist is clenched too.]

I hate that we don't get a choice. I hate that when we do try to choose different, it makes us nothing.

I don't even know what I hate about Al anymore but I hate that and he's part of it.

_{[It's not often that Envy offers a lot of words about his past. Heather knows better than to interrupt him.]

[So she just listens. Nodding every so often-- and luckily refraining from flinching when he tightens his grip on her hand. Being the champion of Overdoing Handshakes, she's got a decent resistance.]

[Once it seems like he's reached the end of his train of thought, she lifts her free hand to stroke his arm gently. When she speaks, it's with carefully measured words and an understanding tone.]}

... I think that if my dad had been fifteen when he got me back... he'd have tried to kill me, too.

_{[It's not dismissing what Envy said-- not at all. The somber look on her face is more than enough proof of that, because as always, this new information about the Homunculi resonates on a very personal level.]}

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