exeggutorhead | IC Inbox

_{[They can both be angry. The anger she feels is honestly, comforting. Just like when they'd talked about BOB (which, hoo boy, is another little topic that might warrant broaching...), it's a relief to know that anger surges in on top of the fear, crackling like lightning. It's not exactly productive, but it's not weak. And she'd take just about anything over feeling the weakness she knows all this should inspire.]

[She keeps her voice low when she speaks back up.]}

The worst thing is... I died. I died, like... a lot, in there. It was dark, and tight, and there were places where I didn't see monsters until it was already too late, or was just overpowered... whatever, that part, I've gotten over. It sucked and it hurt but I did come back, and I made it out in the end.

But there were still all those times when there was just... my body lying there on the floor all busted to shit and back.

And I know from the way he wrote those letters, that he was watching, every time it happened. That he loved it. That I was fulfilling exactly the kinds of sick fantasies he'd been cooking up in his sick head for probably as long as I'd even been alive.

... And... I don't know... how long I was gone, when I died. How long my corpse was just there, waiting to be brought back.

And I think about... what might've happened.

_{[A low laugh escapes her. It's not that dark, murky one that she lets out sometimes when she's too angry for words-- it's light and incredulous and horrified, almost more of a breath than a laugh.]}

I dream about it, sometimes. That I can hear him coming towards me right as everything's going black. Sometimes I think I can feel his hands and it's the last thing I'm aware of before I'm just... gone.

_{[Then, quite abruptly, she goes very quiet, and very still.]}

... Fuck. Are they dreams...?

Don't do that to yourself.

[The interjection is the quickest thing he's said so far.]

[Whatever happened, however horrifying, it's done and there's no way to prove what might have happened. There's no way to stop wondering. Envy's always been eager to Not Think about things, to keep as little of that sort of endless wondering out of his mind as much as possible--that road led down the one Lust walked, and death. But it's useful sometimes, to not lose your mind.]

You can't, there's nothing...nothing good can happen, wondering about it.

_{[She flinches a little bit, teeth gritted. Even if anger is the primary emotion, there's no stopping her nerves from going on high alert at this subject matter. It's some of the primest, freshest fight-or-flight material the dark corners of her brain has to offer.]}

I can't help it.

The whole reason I almost strangled you two weeks ago is because I just shut it out instead of dealing with it. 'Cause I thought I was fucking over it.

But it's been seven freaking years and I'm clearly not.

[He winces himself seeing her flinch, a jolt of ice going through his stomach.]

Sorry.

I didn't mean don't think about it at all, just...don't torture yourself over things you can't know the answer to.

But...keep going, if there's more.

There's a lot more.

But not much else to Stanley.

He... fortunately bit it before I ever came face to face with him. That I remember, anyway.

_{[Envy's words do make sense. It is pointless to agonize over what might have happened, that she'd never be able to prove one way or another. But it's so hard not to.]

[Still, there's a simmering anger in her voice, and her fists are clenched so tightly it looks painful.]}

I'm just... he made me feel so-- so helpess and disgusting, and then something else killed him before I could.

Maybe if he'd actually tried something, if I fought him, I wouldn't still feel so...

_{[Or maybe not. Maybe it would be the opposite.]

[Maybe it just would have ended up like it did with BOB, which, ho...]}

[Envy's glad in that dark, bitter way that Stanley was at least killed SOMEHOW, even if not by Heather. That he didn't just...get away with what he'd been doing.]

[But the frustration of not being able to kill someone hurting you yourself? That he understands plenty. His fist grinds slowly against the roof as he talks.]

Bastard.

He was a coward, and if he'd shown himself you would have been able to kill him. Easy.

That's probably why he slunk around, he knew if he tried to go near you it'd be over.

I don't know.

The way he talked, he would've gotten off on that, too.

He already left his fucking mark on me-- I think that was what he really wanted to do.

_{[He seeks out her soul of his own black ambition, frightening her out of her wits. Whispering love songs into her ear, what cruel Linnet wants, he gets.]}

I just hate that it worked.

[Envy's jaw tightens. Because yeah...that would make sense too. Terrible, terrible sense.]

I hope he died slowly.

[It comes out through gritted teeth, on impulse, but he doesn't know what else to say. What can he say?]

_{[There's precious little to say at all-- she knows it. It's part of what makes these things so hard to talk about. It's a whole deluge of uncomfortable information to unload on somebody, and there's little anybody can do to respond until it's over.]

[But that was the tale of Stanley Coleman, and thank god there's not really any more to that nasty little chapter of her return to Silent Hill.]

[So she just kind of... nods.]}

I just... wish he never existed. Or at least that I never knew about him.

If he'd just fucking... jerked it to his sick thoughts all by himself, and I never knew a thing, then I guess I wouldn't really give a fuck.

_{[A sigh escapes her, and she lets her face drop into her hand.]}

Anyway, that's... that's the Stanley thing.

[He just nods, quiet for a long moment. It's a lot to think about, and most of his thoughts are still just sick, murderous anger.]

...do you want to tell me the rest? You can.

_{[Another sigh escapes her.]}

Yeah, I...

_{['The rest' is more nebulous.]

[The one nice thing about Stanley (if anything at all about him could be said to be nice) is how horribly straightforward it all was. The notes, the dolls, the stalking, the grotesque prose... there was no need for talk of feelings when the whole situation almost spoke for itself. Anyone would feel terrified, disgusted. And even if she'd been the centerpiece of his filthy fantasies, it had still been something she tripped into unexpectedly. Something that had been growing and festering without her presence or knowledge.]

[The rest... the rest gets murkier. More personal and intimate.]

[And even harder to talk about.]

[She's quiet for a moment, seeing which of her only-semi-prepared subjects is easiest to coax out of the cages in the back of her mind-- cages that have gotten bent and battered over the past couple of weeks, so that they no longer seem to close properly.]

[After a time, she lets out another breathy not-laugh, scraping at the dust between the shingles with one finger.]}

Well... fuck, I guess... I guess there's the BOB thing...

[At that name, Envy snaps to attention so fast that his whole posture jerks upright. Even if Heather doesn't see that, she probably will hear the sharp little intake of breath, even if it's not very loud.]

[He's still angry, but there's a tinge of dread mixed in now as well. He knew that BOB had come after her in physical form and not just mentally as he had Envy, but...]

What did he do.

[It's almost not a question, Envy's voice had gone so flat as it spilled out. After another few seconds to take a breath, to slow down his own heart, he adds more slowly.]

Fuck, I mean...tell me what you want to.

_{[This time she doesn't flinch, at least.]

[It's harder to admit the extent to which her encounters with BOB had worsened over the years than it was to just give him the basic details, back in that field last summer. But there's still some distance. Even if there was no 'closure', like she'd gotten with Stanley. If that even counted as closure.]

[She sighs again and starts to speak, fully intending her tone to be disgusted, exasperated, but a high note in her voice betrays the emotions behind it.]}

Oh, just... fucking... the reason I was so worked up when you said YOU'D seen him too is-- he fuckin' rapes people, it's just what he does. Goes after people, usually young people, usually women but not always-- [Because the way Cooper had said it, talked about it... made it seem like maybe there were exceptions. The more the years pass, the more it makes Heather's skin crawl to think about where her friend's subdued but very real fear may have been coming from.] -- fucks with them, breaks them down-- then... corrupts them somehow, or kills them if he can't.

I don't know how it works.

Like, he's not a person.

But somehow he...

_{[She lets her face drop into her hand.]}

It didn't go that far.

He stopped showing up before it could.

But it still got... bad.

It got real bad.

It wasn't even sexual, but at the same time... like, I can't see how it could... not have been.

_{[She can still feel his fingernails raking against the roof of her mouth hard enough to draw blood, and a visible shudder grips her shoulders for a second...]}

Edited 2017-06-21 07:11 (UTC)

[It's good that she does specify that it didn't go that far, because as soon as she says what BOB does, it's like all his veins turn to ice. It's not a surprising thing to hear, even if his own encounter hadn't really gone in an explicitly sexual direction...but after the gleeful, violent invasion of his mind? No, it's not surprising that that's what he does.]

[Not that there's much room for relief. He saw that shudder, and it's painful to see.]

You don't have to say it. But I...know what you mean, about that.

[Maybe not from BOB, but there had been plenty of other times, over the centuries. Some of the fire had been knocked out of him from BOB being brought in, but the undercurrent of what remains is still there in his voice.]

It doesn't always have to be, it's...it can still be as bad.

Edited 2017-06-21 22:25 (UTC)

It was the fact that it could be. And the fact that we both knew it.

_{[Her voice is a little hollow. She's raked her hair all on end and now she's just sort of staring dully out at the street.]}

And just like Stanley, I have no doubt that if it had continued... it would've happened.

... But unlike with Stanley, I'm not sure I'd have been able to stop him.

[He winces a little himself at those last words, because, well...]

[He can't really argue with her on that. Not about BOB. Even bringing up that if he ever did show up again they might be able to do something about him if they were together seems like it'd ring a little hollow. This is about what had already happened, what couldn't be changed. The marks left.]

I didn't realize he'd...that it'd been like that.

I wouldn't have...

[He trails off. He doesn't know what to say.]

_{[She shakes her head, sharply.]}

No, don't pin this on yourself.

You didn't do anything wrong.

_{[Even though she knows some of it is gonna be inevitable, the point of this conversation wasn't to make Envy feel guilty.]}

I told you I wanted to go further than we'd gone. And I did want it.

You didn't even toe the line.

You just did what I asked.

It's not your fault.

The truth is I should've--... I should've just thought about it for more than five seconds. I'm the one who should've known better.

This is-- ... this is completely on me, Envy.

I underestimated my own freaking issues.

_{[Which, now that she IS thinking about, it's like. HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN? THERE'S SO MANY. God, she hasn't even told him the big one yet. She's not even sure if she can.]

[Stanley and BOB were bad enough-- harrowing enough.]

[But they cut off at a point.]

[Like a horror movie resolving just in time for the protagonist to escape.]

[But that didn't happen for Alessa Gillespie.]}

[He shakes his head too, even if she can't see it.]

Hey, look, even--even if it's not my fault, I know it's easy as fuck to think you don't have issues when you do.

I mean, c'mon, look at me. I thought--I thought a lot of things weren't problems for a long time, even if they were big problems.

[He'd thought he was one hundred percent fine about Dante of all things.]

It's not like you told me to keep going knowing what would happen.

Yeah, I didn't.

It was just... unfortunate.

That's the best word I can use to describe it.

Unfortunate.

_{[Heaving another sigh, she rakes her fingers through her hair again. It's all standing up now. It would look funny if it weren't for the topic of conversation.]}

Anyway, I'm... sorry.

I wish I could just be like... normal. For you. I know that sounds stupid, since we're both pretty far down on the scale of messed-up, but...

[If Envy had thought it would be a good idea to go near her right now, he would've smoothed it down for her.]

[But it feels like it would be a bad idea to scoot any closer at the moment.]

Hey, it's not stupid. I do too, sometimes.

[His hangups might not really be the sexual kind, and most of his big ones were helped along by being with France...but because of France, he's intimately familiar with the feeling.]

[And there are still a fair number that he still has, even with her.]

You don't have to be sorry.

What...do you want to do, now?

_{[Yeah, it's... not that she wouldn't appreciate the comfort.]

[It's that talking about it all makes the entire notion of being touched, of another well-intentioned human being touching you when you're so disgusting...]

[Yeah. She can't say that she wants anyone smoothing her hair right now. Even if her soul aches for the physical comfort, the very atoms that make her up feel revolted by the prospect, on Envy's behalf.]

[She rolls her shoulders in a melancholy shrug.]}

I don't know.

I... I want things to just go back to normal. I wanna just forget it happened and go back to teasing you whenever we get bored and making out like stupid kids whose biggest problem is getting tangled up in our own shirts when we try to take 'em off too fast.

But that feels unfair.

I can't... I can't keep ignoring that shit's wrong with me.

I hurt you.

And I'm scared I'll do it again.

I want things back to normal too.

[Maybe it's selfish, but he's missed that...and not just the making out, but all the casual physical intimacies that had become so easy and had turned stilted and awkward after what had happened. Easy affection had been hard-won over years, it had been something he hadn't even used to like, but having that between them and suddenly losing it had been hard. On both of them.]

[But she's not wrong, either.]

It'd be easier for me to be careful, now that I know.

Going back to normal doesn't have to mean ignoring it. It can't get any better pretending it's not there. I've had people tell me that enough times to shove that advice in your direction now.

_{[It's... reassuring, to hear that coming from him.]

[It's only now that she fully realizes it, but she'd honestly been a little bit scared that he didn't want to go back to the way things were. Because hell, he'd have been fully within his rights to want space after what happened.]

[Learning that he'd been feeling as forlorn and touch-starved as she had is a small and selfish comfort, but it is a comfort.]

[His last remark gets a half-laugh, too.]}

I... guess you have a point there, heh.

[The breath he lets out through his nose isn't quite a snort, not in the middle of THIS conversation, but it means the same thing.]

Of course I have a point. If I'm going to get all this advice all the time then I get to turn it back around on other people.

[His voice goes quieter, more considering.]

Why don't we...try just going back to normal. For now.

I'm not about to forget anything. But we don't need to be in a big hurry, do we?

[He's not scared of her hurting him. As far as he's concerned, two seconds of choking barely counted as being hurt.]

[No, what he's scared of is putting her in anywhere near the kinds of places she's just told him about. And he's not in a hurry to toe that line again.]

_{[GOD the suggestion is so tempting. For all her worrying... if it's what he wants, would it really do any good to hold out on him? He knows what he's getting into now, after all...]

[She considers for a long moment... but right now, her will just isn't strong enough to make this period of anxious dancing-around-each-other last any longer than it has.]}

... Yeah, okay.

As long as that's what you want, too.

I... was a little worried that you'd... you know... want space, after that. Which would be totally justified, obviously, but-- I mean...

_{[She sounds a little sheepish with her next words.]}

... I miss you.

IC Inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)